This is very thoughtful and generous; your thinking is broader than many researchers'. I appreciate your focus on letting men know they are needed, especially now.
In any modern corporation, often enough staffed with a so-called "Human Resources" department full of angry old women and angry young women, every male is automatically at a disadvantage, because we "cannot emote and connect in a way that is acceptable to them". So we men, looking for a job, cannot get hired there. And if we manage to get hired there, then we now, as the lone male in an office with say 10 women, indeed get hen-pecked out of there. I say this as a male who never ever has made inappropriate sexual advances or remarks in the work place.
It really is quite impossible to work with women who have been attacked, abused, harassed, belittled by the various "alpha-males", in their lives, families, workplaces, and once burned, they do mistrust, attack, harass ALL males as much as possible. This is an experience that I did not expect to have, and certainly, I got out of any work place where women mistreat males, as if we were responsible for every "idiot over-sexed stupid male" that ever existed.
This comes from me as a male who never considered himself as hateful or misogynist or otherwise against equal rights for females. Indeed, quite the opposite, I want equal treatment
across the board. I am totally outside of the violent, racist, sexist, sadistic, abusive, nasty male club, and I cannot stand their behavior.
Yes, "Somewhere, there's a place for us", but it is not in the home, not in the family, not in most work places. Where indeed should we go, in this economy, in this country, on this planet?
Hardly a place for any decent guy! It used to be "No country for old men!", yet now, it is
"No country for old and young men!"
And YMCA certainly is not a "Young Man, there is a place you can go!" promise one can take serious at all. A church? Don't get me started!!! Any weird extremist cult or religion? Nope again!
The merciless non-freedom of religion is not for me! A young Republicans club? No, I don't want to rip off, torture or kill anyone! A green gay communist activist poetry club? Again, that's not for everyone. Anything fanatic? No, why do you ask? Sports? That's all for those testosterone-overload males, who fight and drink and drink and fight! You see, for people like us, we are lost in the shuffle, nowhere to go!
I just launched a new Substack, What's Going On With Men?, that I think will resonate with your readers. I'm a board-certified psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and clinical professor of psychiatry, and I've spent years writing professional books and articles on masculinity and male psychology — this blog brings that work to a broader audience.
The first four posts are live, and subscription is free. If it feels like a fit, I'd be grateful for a look — I suspect your community and mine are thinking about many of the same questions.
Thank you for such breadth and depth of research done to address how we evolve and interact. “The way to beat the online world is to be offline in the real world.” I was a Cub Scout leader for my son’s pack and to tour the bank and see the vault, the bicycle shop and learn to repair, the bakery and see bread made, the pizza made at the pizza place, the fire station, the ambulance drivers came to describe what they do, etc. My dad was also a Korean War veteran and loved reading the encyclopedias in the den when he came home from work. My bookclub studied poetry led by our male member. Positivity comes when curiosity is introduced to young minds, to see the real world beyond themselves and screens, and to feel a confidence from “knowing” is an inner strength.
It has been very specifically created verbally by all the talk about 'feminism' and 'genderism' and statements like 'toxic masculinity' which are all misplaced, misguided and mistaken, literally oxymoronic or just empty words that don't exactly mean anything.
Sorry, I should have mentioned that the article about male inequality is well thought out. The perspective is worthwhile, and while I certainly do not have all the answers, I appreciate all the questions.
When I think about "toxic masculinity", that is certainly an issue in every high school and college, and in every workplace. With regard to politics, the Trump "administration" is indeed a show of
"Toxic Masculinity on Parade". (Hegseth? Vance? Lutnick? Miller? Kennedy JR?, Bessent? etc. are all evil toxic males.) Although I can give Pam Bondi a special award for presenting her "Toxic Femininity" so much so, that she can maintain herself within a sea of toxic males. And certainly, what she does is wrong and unconstitutional in so many ways, it's a another whole book worth writing about.
But as it is, "Toxic Masculinity" in High Schools presents itself mainly through evil, sadistic bullying and harassment. I would go as far as saying that High School Bullying, whether committed by boys or by girls, is one of the main causes leading to both Suicides and High School Shootings.
It's because once a person completely shuts down after a certain quantity of bullying, either to kill themselves or others, it is a sign that others in the school, bullies specifically, have gone too far! They are, most of the time, the true cause of these horrendous suicides and school shootings, and none of them have ever been held responsible.
Likewise, both teachers, PTA's, school nurses, special ed people, school boards, principals, education departments, and the inadequate laws made that protect bullies and hurt their victims,
have never been called on the carpet for this. I would do so! They are all at fault by not intervening, when obvious bullying is taking place. Think back to your school days. You saw bullies torturing their victims, and you did exactly nothing! That's how you are guilty too. This is my perspective, your perspective may differ, especially when you are the bully or the bullying parent of a bully!
I once was at my daughter's high school, at some event, and there was a guy two heads taller than his victim, and he was sitting behind him, and poked him, not once but twenty times, and
I was the only parent who walked over to him, and yelled into his face: "WTF is wrong with you! Stop bothering that guy, or you get to hear from your principal, and so will your parents!
I will personally see to it that you get kicked out of this school!" That guy stopped cold! His eyes grew big, as if nobody ever told him that only donkeyholes are in favor of bullies. (and worse).
I am still proud of myself on that, and I only wish that every parent, every classmate had the courage and decency to do what I did on that day. And I still think that any teacher or principal who lets bullying going on without making a non-physical effort at intervening, is not only a wimp, but is guilty promoting suicides and school shootings. The current laws about this are wrong, because we have Good Samaritan laws for a reason!
You can see that I have very strong opinions and feelings about this. True justice protects the weak and prevents the bullies from taking over! Any other justice is essentially garbage!
Sorry to make you feel uncomfortable here, but bullies need to be corrected at a very young age,
or they become presidents, or Putins, or Kim Yong Un's, and similar threats to world peace.
Thank you for understanding of how memories can dig up feelings one seemingly has forgotten by now!
The men in my family are very well balanced. So are the women. However, my great-grandparents were Danish immigrants who settled in Brooklyn right after the devastation of WWI. One of the strengths we culturally maintained when we assimilated is that women and men must both face and conquer their social and physical fears. We must all be strong, fair, respectful, responsible, humble and kind. We all have to defend the weak, know how to fix things and we all get to cry at movies. We all need a few close friends. That said:
Autistic girls of average or gifted intelligence are treated horribly (even and especially if they also have adhd) **** for the social crime of behaving like males. **** The same behavior that gets a pass or a smile or simple acceptance when a normal average boy or man does it ( or simply doesn’t do it (meet the social expectation) gets female children crucified with character assassination and shame. Often they aren’t even good in math though because they are being given math classes that are a year or two ahead of their brain development.
So these girls get it. These women get it. They have been shunned, shamed, devalued, and passed over at work. They are constantly pressed to “ be better.” And they never stop improving. But they get the double-whammy of sexism, ableism and stigma from
Both genders. They take their allies where they can get them. They are often allies to everyone. They prefer to socialize shoulder to shoulder while engaged in activity. But if men and boys act like friends but then don’t respect boundaries,
then everybody loses allies and opportunities. My grandmother was a young widow and her son, my father turned out to be one of the happiest most role-model-worthy people I have ever met. But her father lived nearby. My father helped with his younger siblings. He loved animals. He is a third degree blackbelt who is a nurturing foster-father of infants. He was the first generation in our family to go to college-a two year agricultural and animal husbandry degree. He became a musician. He is good with money. He made me ( a female) take karate “because you may not win, but you can’t live afraid of a bully’s fists coming at your face.” The women in my family are equally epic. Because they don’t pretend to be better than they are. They just admit where they are profoundly messed up and then find mentors who have been through the problem and beaten it. We live thoughtful action-filled lives and we learn that there is no shame in failure but there is shame in not doing one’s best every day. There are plenty of people who want to help. What do you want us to do?
This is very thoughtful and generous; your thinking is broader than many researchers'. I appreciate your focus on letting men know they are needed, especially now.
Fantastic story, this is the most intelligent argument I have heard in a while
I have two daughters and a grandson.
I love them equally.
So why can’t I fight for them equally?
I’m told I have to take a side in the gender wars. Well I’m not.
I’m not picking a side—I’m taking a direction.
I'm showing up as a male role model to my grandson and encouraging other Grandads to join me.
I've started the Best Grandad Project https://bestgrandadproject.substack.com/
I don't really know what I'm doing but I'm very open to learning which is why I'm becoming a student of the work of Richard Reeves.
In any modern corporation, often enough staffed with a so-called "Human Resources" department full of angry old women and angry young women, every male is automatically at a disadvantage, because we "cannot emote and connect in a way that is acceptable to them". So we men, looking for a job, cannot get hired there. And if we manage to get hired there, then we now, as the lone male in an office with say 10 women, indeed get hen-pecked out of there. I say this as a male who never ever has made inappropriate sexual advances or remarks in the work place.
It really is quite impossible to work with women who have been attacked, abused, harassed, belittled by the various "alpha-males", in their lives, families, workplaces, and once burned, they do mistrust, attack, harass ALL males as much as possible. This is an experience that I did not expect to have, and certainly, I got out of any work place where women mistreat males, as if we were responsible for every "idiot over-sexed stupid male" that ever existed.
This comes from me as a male who never considered himself as hateful or misogynist or otherwise against equal rights for females. Indeed, quite the opposite, I want equal treatment
across the board. I am totally outside of the violent, racist, sexist, sadistic, abusive, nasty male club, and I cannot stand their behavior.
Yes, "Somewhere, there's a place for us", but it is not in the home, not in the family, not in most work places. Where indeed should we go, in this economy, in this country, on this planet?
Hardly a place for any decent guy! It used to be "No country for old men!", yet now, it is
"No country for old and young men!"
And YMCA certainly is not a "Young Man, there is a place you can go!" promise one can take serious at all. A church? Don't get me started!!! Any weird extremist cult or religion? Nope again!
The merciless non-freedom of religion is not for me! A young Republicans club? No, I don't want to rip off, torture or kill anyone! A green gay communist activist poetry club? Again, that's not for everyone. Anything fanatic? No, why do you ask? Sports? That's all for those testosterone-overload males, who fight and drink and drink and fight! You see, for people like us, we are lost in the shuffle, nowhere to go!
I just launched a new Substack, What's Going On With Men?, that I think will resonate with your readers. I'm a board-certified psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and clinical professor of psychiatry, and I've spent years writing professional books and articles on masculinity and male psychology — this blog brings that work to a broader audience.
The first four posts are live, and subscription is free. If it feels like a fit, I'd be grateful for a look — I suspect your community and mine are thinking about many of the same questions.
Thank you for such breadth and depth of research done to address how we evolve and interact. “The way to beat the online world is to be offline in the real world.” I was a Cub Scout leader for my son’s pack and to tour the bank and see the vault, the bicycle shop and learn to repair, the bakery and see bread made, the pizza made at the pizza place, the fire station, the ambulance drivers came to describe what they do, etc. My dad was also a Korean War veteran and loved reading the encyclopedias in the den when he came home from work. My bookclub studied poetry led by our male member. Positivity comes when curiosity is introduced to young minds, to see the real world beyond themselves and screens, and to feel a confidence from “knowing” is an inner strength.
This male crisis is definitely not "quiet".
It has been very specifically created verbally by all the talk about 'feminism' and 'genderism' and statements like 'toxic masculinity' which are all misplaced, misguided and mistaken, literally oxymoronic or just empty words that don't exactly mean anything.
Sorry, I should have mentioned that the article about male inequality is well thought out. The perspective is worthwhile, and while I certainly do not have all the answers, I appreciate all the questions.
When I think about "toxic masculinity", that is certainly an issue in every high school and college, and in every workplace. With regard to politics, the Trump "administration" is indeed a show of
"Toxic Masculinity on Parade". (Hegseth? Vance? Lutnick? Miller? Kennedy JR?, Bessent? etc. are all evil toxic males.) Although I can give Pam Bondi a special award for presenting her "Toxic Femininity" so much so, that she can maintain herself within a sea of toxic males. And certainly, what she does is wrong and unconstitutional in so many ways, it's a another whole book worth writing about.
But as it is, "Toxic Masculinity" in High Schools presents itself mainly through evil, sadistic bullying and harassment. I would go as far as saying that High School Bullying, whether committed by boys or by girls, is one of the main causes leading to both Suicides and High School Shootings.
It's because once a person completely shuts down after a certain quantity of bullying, either to kill themselves or others, it is a sign that others in the school, bullies specifically, have gone too far! They are, most of the time, the true cause of these horrendous suicides and school shootings, and none of them have ever been held responsible.
Likewise, both teachers, PTA's, school nurses, special ed people, school boards, principals, education departments, and the inadequate laws made that protect bullies and hurt their victims,
have never been called on the carpet for this. I would do so! They are all at fault by not intervening, when obvious bullying is taking place. Think back to your school days. You saw bullies torturing their victims, and you did exactly nothing! That's how you are guilty too. This is my perspective, your perspective may differ, especially when you are the bully or the bullying parent of a bully!
I once was at my daughter's high school, at some event, and there was a guy two heads taller than his victim, and he was sitting behind him, and poked him, not once but twenty times, and
I was the only parent who walked over to him, and yelled into his face: "WTF is wrong with you! Stop bothering that guy, or you get to hear from your principal, and so will your parents!
I will personally see to it that you get kicked out of this school!" That guy stopped cold! His eyes grew big, as if nobody ever told him that only donkeyholes are in favor of bullies. (and worse).
I am still proud of myself on that, and I only wish that every parent, every classmate had the courage and decency to do what I did on that day. And I still think that any teacher or principal who lets bullying going on without making a non-physical effort at intervening, is not only a wimp, but is guilty promoting suicides and school shootings. The current laws about this are wrong, because we have Good Samaritan laws for a reason!
You can see that I have very strong opinions and feelings about this. True justice protects the weak and prevents the bullies from taking over! Any other justice is essentially garbage!
Sorry to make you feel uncomfortable here, but bullies need to be corrected at a very young age,
or they become presidents, or Putins, or Kim Yong Un's, and similar threats to world peace.
Thank you for understanding of how memories can dig up feelings one seemingly has forgotten by now!
The men in my family are very well balanced. So are the women. However, my great-grandparents were Danish immigrants who settled in Brooklyn right after the devastation of WWI. One of the strengths we culturally maintained when we assimilated is that women and men must both face and conquer their social and physical fears. We must all be strong, fair, respectful, responsible, humble and kind. We all have to defend the weak, know how to fix things and we all get to cry at movies. We all need a few close friends. That said:
Autistic girls of average or gifted intelligence are treated horribly (even and especially if they also have adhd) **** for the social crime of behaving like males. **** The same behavior that gets a pass or a smile or simple acceptance when a normal average boy or man does it ( or simply doesn’t do it (meet the social expectation) gets female children crucified with character assassination and shame. Often they aren’t even good in math though because they are being given math classes that are a year or two ahead of their brain development.
So these girls get it. These women get it. They have been shunned, shamed, devalued, and passed over at work. They are constantly pressed to “ be better.” And they never stop improving. But they get the double-whammy of sexism, ableism and stigma from
Both genders. They take their allies where they can get them. They are often allies to everyone. They prefer to socialize shoulder to shoulder while engaged in activity. But if men and boys act like friends but then don’t respect boundaries,
then everybody loses allies and opportunities. My grandmother was a young widow and her son, my father turned out to be one of the happiest most role-model-worthy people I have ever met. But her father lived nearby. My father helped with his younger siblings. He loved animals. He is a third degree blackbelt who is a nurturing foster-father of infants. He was the first generation in our family to go to college-a two year agricultural and animal husbandry degree. He became a musician. He is good with money. He made me ( a female) take karate “because you may not win, but you can’t live afraid of a bully’s fists coming at your face.” The women in my family are equally epic. Because they don’t pretend to be better than they are. They just admit where they are profoundly messed up and then find mentors who have been through the problem and beaten it. We live thoughtful action-filled lives and we learn that there is no shame in failure but there is shame in not doing one’s best every day. There are plenty of people who want to help. What do you want us to do?
The sex ratios in virtually all western countries have been skewed by overwhelmingly male mass immigration.